A new line of collectible G.I. Joe figures were unveiled at the Kennedy Space Center October 4th. Toymaker Hasbro unveiled them there presumably because of the Mercury and Space Shuttle astronauts featured in the new series. The media hype, however, was focused on the female helicopter pilot figure. All anatomical, eyebrow and hairstyle clues were concealed by the pilot’s jumpsuit, helmet and sunglasses. But the traditional G.I. Joe cheek scar was missing, a dead giveaway to her gender.

This later brought to mind the scandalous allegations of rape and harrassment of female trainees and the larger issue of women in the military.

Hasbro marketed a G.I. Nurse back in 1967, but it flopped (sales-wise). I’m certain that G.I. Nurse could have withstood the bruising punishment and thousands of horrible combat deaths that our male G.I. Joes endured, but there’s no way we would’ve played with her. After all, someone might have called her...a doll!

Other figures in the new series include a tribute to the first black pilots of B-25 Bombers and historical commanders like Generals Dwight Eisenhower and George Patton. Conspicuously missing from the collection were the Janet Reno drill sergeant figure, the pregnant sailor and the female VMI cadet with shaved head.

I thought that actress Sigourney Weaver was attractive in the first "Alien" movie, but her shaved head in the sequel movies made the toothy, slobbering alien look better by comparison. OK, so I exaggerate a little, but it seems to me that shaving women’s heads violates some law of nature.

From these comments, you might gather that I oppose women in the military. Au contraire! If I were in the military, I’d want them around. But once I got to know them, I’d want to send them home when things got dangerous. In fact, I’d want to go with them to ensure they made the trip safely.

Call me a sexist if you like, but I don’t think it’s a bad thing for men to be protective of women they care about.

Seriously, I advocate letting them participate if they volunteer and only if they meet the exact same physical standards for pushups, situps, timed running with weight, etc. After all, if I’m wounded in combat, I want to be confident that my comrades can lift and carry me to safety after first applying liberal doses of painkillers. I know such physically superior women exist because the female soldier in the "Aliens" movie did more pull-ups than I can muster. She did both of them quickly, too.

My dad spent his time as an Army infantry lieutenant marching all over the mountains of Korea with wet frozen socks. If he ever had to go back, he plans to transfer from infantry to armor (tanks) so that he can ride. My vast military knowledge---accumulated from Tom Clancy novels---enabled me to describe the dangers of tank warfare with all the new infared and missile technology. Dad said he’d take his chances.

This clearly points out a niche for women in the military. Having been to the mall with my wife, I know that women are much better suited than men to endure long walks carrying heavy loads. One flaw in my scientific observations is that this phenomenon seems reversed when we go somewhere more interesting like the Buckarama or the Georgia State Fair. For some reason, she seems to tire more easily on those expeditions. In any event, so long as there are shopping malls available at future trouble spots, we have a natural force of infantry among our female population.

Men are better at watching TV for long intervals while they punch the buttons on the remote control. This makes them a natural for high-tech warfare--- sitting at computer terminals and punching buttons.

Proper assignments would easily resolve the gender issues in the military. In my next column, I’ll solve world hunger.

 Copyright Ó1997 Steve Scroggins - All rights reserved.